I want to highlight some of the things I went through after that night and during that night, especially because I know others have had similar experiences. I waited for the police to show up for an hour and 20 minutes, I called 911 a total of 3-4 times because I thought they were never coming- the operators after the first time got mad at me for calling again even though I was scared and really thought I was going to be killed. How messed up is that? How many times could I have been killed in that time? Then the cops came, and I was told that since I had no marks on me at that time (it was very cold and if they had come right away- the red marks still would've been there), to come to the station once bruising shows and they can take pictures for the criminal case. So I did, the sergeant who came told me that he would not take the pictures because "Since you are a white girl, you would've instantly had bruises ma'am." So he didn't help me, instead made me feel like I was lying about the while thing, Then filing the protection order - they can actually go against your protection order and show up that day in court- making you look at them again, how is that right? People in my own family asking why I stayed so long and not being able to understand the layers of manipulation that existed in that relationship. Then the hardest part, he was only in jail for 3 months, attempted murder, holding me hostage at gunpoint and he was out in 3 months. Parole is all he got, and I have years of damage that I feel no amount of therapy can ever heal 100%.
I point all this out BECAUSE THIS HAS TO CHANGE! The victim shaming and blaming, allowing them to protest against our protection orders and try to make it to where they are not granted by the judge, basically zero jail time and accountability for their crimes. SO PLEASE, post about the injustices you have experienced, if we draw enough attention to this, maybe we can MAKE IT CHANGE.
To end on a happy note, I have been free of M for 2 years, I have rediscovered myself- we let so much of ourselves die off while we are with these individuals, but little by little, I found myself- I smiled and laughed again. My best friend who he made me cut contact with? Guess who went to court with me at his trial and held me while I cried? She understood and was there for me completely- to this day, she is still with me. The people I cut out because of him understood and supported me and IK most of you have had to cut people out because of your abuser- reach out, if they are worth being in your life and good people- they will understand and want to renew the friendship. I got my protective order (I recommend getting one and moving, they can put your new address as confidential, making it harder for them to find you). I have trauma that will always be there but I AM ALIVE and I have found a CONFIDENCE that no one will ever be able to take away again. If you are reading this, wondering if that will happen for you, I can tell you- IT WILL, it just takes time.