I was trapped for 4 years, in the beginning - it was great. He wanted to spend all his time with me, all my time with him, got me stuff, took me out to eat- a recipe for love bombing and co-dependence and I missed all the signs. When he demanded we move in together after 4 months, I thought he just really loved me, I was 20 and never had luck with love in the past (first boyfriend- cheater, longest relationship- he was a cokehead and also abusive, but this guy definitely was the worst- I swore I would never be in that situation again after the cokehead but here we are.) We will call this guy- M. M started getting upset with me over dumb things, escalating minor disagreements to pushing me against the wall, throwing stuff at me, what came next? The "oh baby, I'm so sorry, I love you so much" followed by love bombing. For 3-4 days, it'd be great again til it wasn't- moved into second place together, an apartment that wasn't provided by his employer and he got a new job- this was supposed to be a fresh start, it wasn't. M was very territorial and I could never really talk to my family anymore, barely was able to see them, only when he was present. We got a dog together, I think that was a way to further control me. One night going to my best friend's house for game night with her and her husband- we were arguing over how his mother was also involved in our fights- he would call mommy and badmouth me nonstop and she would pop off and call me every name in the book and I said that she needs to stay out of it. He then punched in square in the jaw while I was driving on the highway, next to an 18 wheeler, this wasn't the first punch or blow to the head at this point but this is one of the ones I remember the most. He didn't care that I could've been knocked out or lost control of the car, I still don't know how I didn't get knocked out. The pain was so bad, I just cried the whole way there, he insisted that we still go so they wouldn't know anything was wrong. The bruising started to show up while we where there playing games, I remember my best friend pulling me to the side and demanding to know what happened. Do you know what I said? It was my fault, that's what I believed at that time. She begged me to leave at that time, that was 8 months in. He could see that she was pissed off at him and knew what happened- he made me cut contact with her. M became losing jobs left and right for not showing up and calling in all the time, he would go 3-6 months without a job at times, I supported our household because I had to. I was in college at this time, having 2-3 jobs, putting a tremendous debt on my credit cards to try to stay afloat. Next move for control- he had me drop out of school. Now I can't quite remember when the love bombing and make up for it attitude stopped and where the blaming me started but it did. Maybe after the second concussion? It was my fault, he never hit a woman before, I'm the crazy bitch that drove him to it. And I believed it so much. I went to therapy because I thought I was the problem!  He would quit a job and then get mad at me the next day that he didn't have one, that he wasn't having the male role of supporting me. His favorite places where the top and back of my head so the bruises wouldn't be visible. I couldn't go to the hospital, instead he would force me to stay awake for 24 hours every time he hit me hard enough to give me a concussion.  I never felt so alone in my life. Nobody knew but my friend who I couldn't talk to anymore. If I left, where would I go? All my money went into this man- all my savings drained by him, I paid his dental bills when he needed teeth extracted because the root was exposed and when he was in pain- he hit me and I wanted to stop it, however I could. Eventually it got to where I wanted to leave badly but he told me, if I did, he would kill my dog, my family, and eventually me- he would find us all. There was no leaving. Every time I briefly left the house during an argument because I was terrified, I would get a text. " you can come back, I left" or "I'm not mad anymore, I promise". I would go back in only to be grabbed and have a knife at my throat or be choked, so many times I just wanted him to kill me- I thought that was the only escape. Cut to the night where it all went to hell. It was January 20th 2024- a football game was on, I don't even remember which teams- I was trying to focus on his mood. I could tell he was pissed off, his face was changing into that monster side again. He said he was mad because he has been awake for three days because of his insomnia. I knew what was coming and I got an panic attack, I went to the bathroom for space and to try to calm down before he got more pissed. M told me he needed me to talk him through it, he was struggling, it was always ab out how he was struggling, never me.  I sat down and he tells me how much he hates him, I destroyed his life, not the first time I heard this,  it was getting louder and angrier by the word, I went to the bathroom again, scared to close the door because I knew it would upset him. He threw a remote at my chest, the plastic struck so hard I thought it was glass at first. I panicked and locked the door, bracing myself against it. He tells me that it will be worse for me if I don't come out now and starts trying to break down the door, he didn't care anymore and he wanted to kill me. There was a shift between the other times and now, I knew that the monster was fully unleashed and he was capable of killing me. I unlocked the door and opened it slightly to be immediately shoved into the corner of the bathroom, I tried to put my arms over my head, covering it as best as I could, but he hit my head several times, grabbed my gun from the room (the gun my father gave to me) and threatened me at gunpoint to go sit in the room, my dog is locked in the closet at this point- he always put the dog to where he couldn't protect me before he started to hit me. He took off my glasses so I couldn't see behind outlines of him and the furniture in the room, pointing the gun at me, sitting diagonally across from me on the bed, telling me the hated he had for me again and how much he wanted to pull the trigger.  I see the outline of him coming towards me so I grab the blanket next to me to put over my face to semi-cushion what would come next, he straddled over my stomach and kept hitting the top of my head. M told me to take the blanket off or it would be worse. I complied, desperate to try to calm him down- he started strangling me, I tried to say please stop but no words could come out as black dots entered my vision. Eventually he stops, and gets up to smoke a delta joint, I waited for a few hits to be in him, hoping he would be more calm and asked to please get my glasses so I can just see, not seeing makes me scared. He said "fine, go find them." I found them in the living room, also grabbed my dog's harness. There was a voice in my head saying this is your chance, I believe it was God. I got my dog and ran down the stairs of the apartment to my car- he threw one of the TVs off the balcony upset that we were leaving. I called 911 and as I did, he came to the car, begging me to come back. Remember how I said a voice told me to leave?  Well it also told me to stay there until he leaves in handcuffs or he would come after me. I backed up and hide my car further down in the parking lot, so he would think we left. He started walking around the complex, looking for me, but never came the direction I was parked. M texted me that he left and it was safe to go back to the apartment and he left his keys there. I knew that was a trap, cut to the police finally showing up- one hour and 20 minutes later. Once the cops entered the apartment, he was there sitting on the bed, in the nightstand next to him was the gun fully assembled and armed- he told them it was disassembled. He was taken away in cuffs, I was safe. Now comes the justice and legal process that does nothing for domestic abuse survivors- read about that in "The challenges after Freedom".